(Ancient Korean golf club? No, it’s a little bell that a golfer can ring if he (usually a he) wants to signal to other players that he’s doubling down the bet when gambling.)

The timeline, once again:

• Seoul (April 24-26)
• Kunsan, via Daejeon (April 26-29)
• Back to Daejeon (April 29-May 1)
• Seoul sightseeing (May 2)
• Ganghwado island sightseeing (May 3)
• Golf (May 4)

First, a little background. I knew before going on this trip that golf in Korea is ridiculously expensive. I don’t have exact numbers handy, and a quick Google search didn’t yield anything promising, so just take my word for it when I say that though many Koreans aspire to play golf (it’s something of a national craze especially as female Korean golfers have gained notoriety for their disproportionate share of the LPGA leader board), few can actually afford it. So when I learned that my dad’s retired (and somewhat well off) friend decided to take my dad and me out for a round of golf, my first thought was, “damn, that’s going to cost a pretty penny.”

I quickly learned why: the whole thing, at least at the course where we played, is designed to be a full service luxury experience. And first among these luxury experiences is the caddy:

The caddy is the woman in the red vest in the above picture. As I mentioned before, she pretty much did everything for you except hit the ball. Below is a partial list of services she provided to us during our round of golf:

• Provide distance from your position to the hole (in meters, which was something of an issue for someone used to measuring in yards)
• Suggest an appropriate club based on your distance from the hole
• Take said club out of the bag and hand it to you
• Say “nice shot!” after a nice shot
• Take the club from you after you hit your nice shot
• Wash the club
• Once you’re on the green, clean your ball with a towel
• After cleaning the ball, align the markings on the ball to help you read the curvature of the putting surface
• Drive the cart

Being a typical do-it-yourself independent American male, I had issues with basically all of the above, but I took particular issue with the last point. For those of you unfamiliar with golf, one of the best parts of the game is driving the cart, as there is so much more to do than just drive. The lucky one behind the wheel gets to careen around corners at dangerous speeds, go down hills at dangerous speeds, and otherwise drive like a maniac all over the golf course. If you haven’t done it before, trust me, it’s great.

So much to my disappointment, the caddy drove the cart at reasonable, safe speeds and kept it on the cart path at all times. But just as I was getting my mind around all the things I wasn’t doing that I consider so integral to the game of golf, I noticed that when nobody was in the cart or behind the wheel, the CART WAS DRIVING ITSELF.

Let me repeat that. THE CART WAS DRIVING ITSELF.

Actually, what happens is the caddy pushes a remote control button to advance the cart slowly down the path. The cart is guided by a wire buried underneath the path, and it never goes faster than 5 miles per hour or so. Still, I was completely flabbergasted by this level of technological innovation on the golf course. The whole experience, from the cart that drove itself to the caddie that did virtually everything for you except hit the ball, to the overall environment of luxury, was so vastly different from the casual, somewhat “redneck-ish” feeling of playing golf in good ole’ Alabama, even on some nicer courses. In Alabama, I grew up carrying my own clubs on my back, picking my own club, cleaning the ball myself (or not clean it at all, as was more often the case), and coming back to get a hot dog and Coke from the grill. Nothing about it was luxurious at all. And to be honest, I was rather uncomfortable playing golf in this cushy atmosphere.

I am often reminded when writing about experiences in a foreign countries that it’s important to keep some level of cultural relativism in mind. Our first instinct is to describe foreign foods, customs, etc. as “weird,” “crazy,” or “exotic,” when in reality, we just mean “different from what we’re used to.” I would say that this rule does apply to me when I say that golf in Korea was “uncomfortable.” I’m not passing a value judgment on those that are lucky enough to have the money it takes to play golf in Korea. They really have no choice to playing with our without a cart or caddy in Korea; my understanding is that by and large, they are a standard part of the experience. I’m just saying that it was such a different experience from what I’m used to that I felt uncomfortable doing what was otherwise a familiar activity (playing golf).

That and I wanted to drive the cart, dammit.